Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

- If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

- If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

- If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

- If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

- If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

- If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

- If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

- If they've left early, put them in Sales.

- And if they're all bullying each other, they're Management material.

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.

Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office. "What happened to you? the officer asks.

"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.

"Can you describe what they looked like?"

"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

1. " ... in God's name, Amen."

This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up.

"My skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked.

"Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"

Eve: "Did you hear the latest about Jane Simmons who lives over on the next block? "

Sheli: " No, what about her?"

Eve: "She had triplets. Then not two weeks later, she had twins."

Sheli: "That's Impossible.! How did it happen?"

Eve: "One of the triplets got lost."

Teacher: Joey, if you put your hand in one pants pocket and found 75 cents, then you put your other hand in your other pants pocket and found 50 cents, what would you have?

Joey: I'd have somebody else's pants on!

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.

The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.

"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."

"Yes -- so what?"

"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it know?"

The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day, I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning.

Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. Where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words, "Rough Road."

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses".

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses".

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the wilderness".

Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.

She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.

"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"

"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist!"

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of a joke?"

1) Don't buy a computer.

2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.

3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

Caller: Hello, is this the Help Line?

HelpLine: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?

HelpLine: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?

Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

HelpLine: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.

At this point the HelpLine operator realized that the caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

An overweight clerk consulted the doctor for advice. The doctor advised that the clerk run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would burn off as much as twenty pounds.

The clerk follows the doctor's advice and, after thirty days, was pleased to note a loss of twenty pounds.

The clerk phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, there was one last question:

"How do I get home, since I'm now 300 miles away?"

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"

The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

- Computer manufacturers are considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

- A technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.

- A customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.

- A technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.

- A customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.

- An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

- Another customer called Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

A writer died, and due to a bureaucratic snafu in the hereafter, she was to be allowed to choose her own fate: heaven or hell for all eternity. Being very shrewd for a dead person, she asked St. Peter for a tour of both.

The first stop was hell, where she saw rows and rows of writers sitting chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. Your typical hell scene.

"Wow, this is awful," said the writer., appalled "Let's see some heaven."

In a moment, they were whisked to heaven and the writer saw rows and rows of writers chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. It looked and smelled even worse than hell.

"What gives, Pete?" the writer asked. "This is worse than hell!"

"Yes," St. Peter replied, "but here your work gets published."

A grasshopper goes to a bar and hops up on a stool.

The bartender is surprised to see a grasshopper and says "Say, you know we have a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper responds "You have a drink named Roger?"

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve soda's and starts drinking them as fast as he can. T

he bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a box all day long.

9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.

8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.

7. Always having that nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese!

6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

4. There are 23 power cords but only ONE outlet.

3. Prison cells are not only bigger... they also have beds.

2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.

1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out. (I have a piece of cardboard with a knob drawn on it. I slam that quite often. Not the same effect as wood, though).

What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?

"Robin get into the Batmobile."

- Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.

- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

- You feel like you really hung one one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.

- You get winded playing chess.

- Your children begin to look middle-aged.

- You join a health club and don't go.

- You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

- Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

- You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.

- You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

- Dialing long distance wears you out.

A man walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Don't touch the purple monkey up in room 222." The man sneered and went straight up to room 222 and opened the door. There sitting right in front of him was a purple monkey.

The man laughed again and touched the monkey. He then started down the stairs...the monkey was following him. The man went outside and got into his jeep. The monkey got in the back seat. The man ignored him.

Later the man drove to the Eiffel Tower. The man got out of the car and the monkey followed. Later the man finally reached the top, but the monkey was right behind him.

The man just burst and yelled, "What do you want!"

The monkey came up to him and said, "Tag...you're it.

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartenders says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

Obviously i hasn't been updating.
Overseas ma... so, i come back with 24 Jokes lor. :) -----------------------------------------------------

"The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat." -- Albert Einstein

A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."

The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"

The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."

The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds,
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that wriggle.

A priest, a rabbi and a consultant were traveling on an airplane. There was a crisis and it was clear that the plane was going to crash and they would all be killed. The priest began to pray and finger his rosary beads, the rabbi began to read the Torah and the consultant began to organize a committee on air traffic safety.

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."

"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"

"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.

"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."

No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."

They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"

"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"

"Please wait, someone else is using it.

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."

The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

Four-word story of employment: Hired, tired, mired, fired.

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

- If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires

- If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal

- If you have more toys than your kids

- If you need a checklist to turn on the TV

- If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name

- If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

- If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

- If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it

- If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

- If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already

- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

- You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

- The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

- Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

- It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

- You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

- Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

- When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

- You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

As a flight engineer, I had been stationed in Panama for several months before the December 1989 invasion. Ever since I began my air force flying career, my mother has been concerned about my safety. So I expected a long letter from her expressing her anxiety.

But what she sent was a sheet of paper containing six words: “KICK THEIRS. PROTECT YOURS. LOVE, MOM.”