Doctors vs. Coaches
Wednesday, October 29, 2008; 4:24 AM :D
Former college basketball coach Abe Lemmons made the following observations concerning the differences between doctors and coaches:
- Doctors can bury their mistakes - Coaches still have theirs on scholarships.
- Finish last in your league and they call you an idiot - Finish last in medical school and they call you a doctor.
- Just once I'd like to see the win-loss records of doctors right out front where people can see them: Won ten, Lost three, Tied two.
Farmer's Divorce
; 4:23 AM :D
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those day-vorce's."
The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres".
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I got a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear to the church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
Card Mixup
; 4:23 AM :D
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this...somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"
Good Writing Advice
; 4:22 AM :D
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.
Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency and a concatenated consistency.
Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement and asinine affectations.
Let your extemporaneous descants and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.
Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy and vain vapid verbosity.
If you are really interested to know, the above means: “Be brief and don’t use big words.”
Hammer Fall
Friday, October 24, 2008; 5:41 PM :D
Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears.
"That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"
"I did!" sobbed Johnny.
Two Guys in a Bar
; 5:40 PM :D
Two guys walk into a bar and sit down to eat their lunches. Then the bartender says, ”Sorry, but you can’t eat your own food in here.” So the two guys look at each other and swap lunches.
Computer Terminology
; 5:40 PM :D
486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Do You Serve Lawyers?
; 5:39 PM :D
A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure do," said the bartender.
"Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
Jokes of the day - 20/10/08 - Daddy's Trick
Sunday, October 19, 2008; 11:54 PM :D
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious.
"What trick is that my dear?" she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."
The man who lost his ear
; 11:54 PM :D
There where 2 men in a bulding site.
1 of them said "can you help me find my ear"
The other man said "is this it"
The other man said "no, mine has got a pencil behind it"
Things Luke Did Between ESB and ROTJ
; 11:53 PM :D
1. Spent a lot of time in the gymnastics facilities working on those AMAZING back flips, etc...
2. Played "Itsy Bitsy Spider" trying to get his fingers to work again
3. One word: Whined
4. Spent days, and days, and days trying to figure out why his mom married a walking toaster.
5. Played "Ding, Dong, Ditch" with doorways on board the Medical Frigate to practice his Force skills until they kicked him out.
6. Learned to shoot baskets again.
Math Quiz
; 11:53 PM :D
Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?"
Student: "It's 42!"
Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?"
Same student: "It's 24!"
Classes for Men
; 11:37 PM :D
Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.
Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with slide presentation.
Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.
Topic 3 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.
Topic 6 - Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline support and support groups.
Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.
Topic 8 - Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost. Real life estimonials.
Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
Topic 11 - Learning to live: Basic differences between your mother and your wife. Online class and role playing.
Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
New Bride
Saturday, October 18, 2008; 4:44 PM :D
A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist
; 4:44 PM :D
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
Four Thirds
; 4:43 PM :D
The chef instructs his apprentice: "You take two thirds of water, one third of cream, one third of broth..."
The apprentice: "But that makes four thirds already!"
"Well - just take a larger pot!"
Hair Loss
; 4:39 PM :D
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.
Notice Plus Jokes for the day -18/10/08
; 1:47 AM :D
I'm sorry .
If you wanted to know more about trivia ,
Please visit another url that i will update Here
The link is now
If you want to know more about History and Quotes,
please visit another url that i will update Here
The link is now
Both The Trivia and History + Quotes will be in the same account as Yanni's account .
~
Thanks.
Passionate
Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.
As they drove through the streets they kept asking the old woman where she lived, all the old lady would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "You're Passionate."
They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, "You're Passionate."
The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live!"
She replied, "I keep trying to tell you, you're passin it!"
4 new jokes - 18/10/08
Friday, October 17, 2008; 4:33 PM :D
How can you drop an egg four feet without breaking it?
(Drop it from five feet. It won't break during the first four feet.)
Recent Quips From Late Night
"Sarah Palin has already had an effect on foreign relations... The new president of Pakistan, Ali Zardari, is in hot water, because last week, Sarah was on a class trip to New York, where she met foreign leaders... And one of the leaders she met was Zardari, and he was gushing over her. He said, oh, you're more gorgeous in person than you are on TV. And so the people in his home country of Pakistan, the Islamists, they issued a fatwa on him, for being too 'flirty.' And when Sarah today was told that Zardari had gotten a fatwa because of her, she said, 'I know, I felt it when he hugged me.'" --Bill Maher
"Hey, did you all watch the vice presidential debate last night? Yeah, there was nothing embarrassing from either candidate. Damn! No, political analysts say it was a strong debate by both candidates and there were no losers, okay, other than gay people who want to get married." --Jay Leno
"Anybody see the debate last night? Whoa. And they're saying that Sarah Palin actually did pretty well, and that Joe Biden avoided any verbal gaffes, and I'm thinking, well, what fun was that? That was no fun at all, for God sakes." --David Letterman
"They determined who got the first question by a coin toss, to which Sarah Palin said, 'Oh, what a coincidence, that's how I got picked.'" --Jay Leno
"Here's some good news. The bailout plan has been passed. Here's the deal. It went from $700 billion to $800 billion. Now the reason for that, it costs the taxpayers more. If it costs the taxpayers more, the better chance that Congress will vote for it." --David Letterman
"Last night's vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin drew much higher ratings than the presidential debate. Did you know that? Yeah. Yeah, Biden attracted viewers who enjoyed his previous debate appearances, and Palin attracted viewers who enjoyed the movie 'Fargo.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Now he voted for the bailout, which of course passed. ... They say it's going to cost every man, woman and child in this country 2,300 dollars, and if everything goes perfectly, soon, your money will be blowing to the banks so they can lend it back to the U.S. at interest. The free market works, ladies and gentlemen." --Bill Maher
"During the debate, Palin winked, wrinkled her nose, and gave a shout-out to a third-grade class. Well, you know, that says commander-in-chief to me right there. You betcha!" --David Letterman
"Good news, everybody. That house you couldn't pay for? You're paying for it. The House on Friday passed the $700 billion Wall Street bailout package. President Bush then signed the bill into law after consulting with his economic advisers, M.C. Hammer, Ed McMahon and Willie Nelson" --Seth Meyers
"Sarah Palin seemed genuinely happy to be there. She said she was privileged. And it was a thrill for Joe Biden too. I mean, he got to talk directly to the American people on television, just the way FDR did when the stock market crashed in 1929." --Jay Leno
"During an interview with Katie Couric Tuesday, Sarah Palin says she is not opposed to gay people, adding 'One of my absolute best friends for the last 30 years happens to be gay and I love her dearly and she doesn't exist.'" --Amy Poehler
Short Landing
Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the pilot is freaking out. The sweat is jumping off his brow.
Finally, he lands. He turns to the co-pilot, and he says, "Man, that is the shortest runway I ever landed on."
The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so wide."
A Day In The Life Of A BMW Driver
The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my interstates, which was very busy with inferior cars.
First off, I couldn’t believe that the volume of traffic DIDN’T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the exit ramp! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!
The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.
Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.
Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!
Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn’t be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.
Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!
He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.
Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!
Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They’re not free points either - they’re $20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won’t be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won’t even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!
See, now THAT’S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!
Jokes of the day - 17/10/08
; 4:19 AM :D
In class when students say to me, "Are you Serious?"
My reply is, "Yes...like the brightest star in the night-time sky, I am Sirius!"
4 new jokes - 17/10/08
; 3:31 AM :D
For Trade: One 16 year old who knows everything.
Except:
How to cook.
How to clean.
How to manage money.
How to wipe up spilled water.
How to drive.
How to write a check.
How to answer a phone.
How to do math.
How to be polite.
How gas is paid for.
How cell phone bills are paid.
How to work the can opener.
How to sweep, dust or vacuum.
How to make a bed.
How to do laundry.
How dictatorships work.
How to stop talking.
How to get a job.
How important it is to finish high school.
How the world actually works.
She can text. And she can argue. What else does she *possibly* need to know in life??
I’d like to trade her in. For a puppy.
Cat Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To never tell a human that
The world is really ruled by cats!
Soap and Water
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied,"They're as clean as soap and water could get them". He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
How to Make a Puppy Pie
Take one puppy, roll and play until lightly pampered, then add the following ingredients.
1 cup patience
1 cup understanding
1 pinch correction
1 cup hard work
2 cups praise and 1 1/2 cups fun
Blend well.
Heat with warmth of your heart until raised or until puppy has doubled in size.
Mix with owner until consistency is such that owner and puppy are one.
Enjoy!
4 new jokes - 17/10/08
; 3:29 AM :D
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know,the more you make.
Telephone Conversation
"Hello"
"Hello"
"Is that you, Larry?"
"Yes, this is Larry."
"Are you sure this is Larry."
"Yes I'm sure, this is Larry !"
"This is Pete... can you lend me twenty dollars ?"
"I'll tell Larry when he comes in."
The Smoking Power Supply
I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service representative was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.
Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.
Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this.
Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem.
Customer: I know that there is something I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.
[After a few minutes of going round and round]
Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:DOSNOSMOKE and reboot your computer.
[Customer does this]
Customer: It is still smoking.
Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.
[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!]
Service Rep: Hello, Sir, how is your computer?
Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost.
If A Dog Were Your Teacher
If a dog were your teacher you would learn stuff like...
- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
- When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.
- Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
- Take naps and stretch before rising.
- Run, romp, and play daily.
- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
- Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
- On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
- On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
- When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
- No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.
- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
- Be loyal.
- Never pretend to be something you're not.
- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
4 new jokes - 17/10/08
; 3:01 AM :D
During break time at obedience school, two dogs were talking.
One said to the other. "The thing I hate about obedience school is you learn ALL this stuff you will never use in the real world."
Guru's Dentist
Why did the guru refuse Novocaine when he went to his dentist?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Pencil
Knock, knock
Who's there?
You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?
You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?
Nevermind, it's pointless.
Smart Salesman
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked - "Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again - "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes awful!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
Foolish Marriage // A Kitten's Prayer // Good Answer // The Letter //
Wednesday, October 15, 2008; 6:13 PM :D
After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
A kitten's Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep,
The king-size bed is soft and deep..
I sleep right in the center groove
My human cannot hardly move!
I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight
And here is where I pass the night
No one disturbs me or dares intrude
Till morning comes and "I want food!"
I sneak up slowly to begin
my nibbles on my human's chin.
She wakes up quickly,
I have sharp teeth
And my claws I will unsheath
For the morning here
and it's time to play
always seem to get my way.
So thank you Lord for giving me
This human person that I see.
The one who hugs me and holds me tight
And sacrifices her bed at night!
Good Answer
Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?" Joe responds "59." He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?" Tom responds, "Wednesday." He finally goes over to John and asks, "John, how much is three times three?" "NINE" replies John. "That's right ...now how did you come to that answer?" "It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!"
The Letter
Just a line to say I'm living, That I'm not among the dead
Though I'm getting more forgetful And something's slipping in my head;
I got used to arthritis, To my dentures I'm resigned.
I can manage my bifocals, But oh, how much I miss my mind.
For sometimes I cannot remember When I stand atop the stairs,
If I must go down for something Or if I've just come up from there.
And before the fridge, so often My mind is filled with nagging doubt.
Have I just put food away, or Have I come to take some out.
I called a friend not long ago, When they answered I just moaned.
I hung up quickly without speaking, For I'd forgotten who I'd phoned.
And when the darkness falls upon me I stand alone and scratch my head.
I don't know if I'm retiring, Or just getting out of bed?
Once I stood in my own bathroom, Wondering if I'd used the pot.
I flushed it just in case I had And sat down just in case I'd not.
So, now if it's my turn to write you. There's no need for getting sore
It may be that I think I've written And don't need to write no more.
Now I stand beside the mail box With a face so very red
Instead of mailing you the letter I have opened it instead.
12 Step Recovery Program For Web Addicts
Saturday, October 11, 2008; 6:56 PM :D
2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3. I will get dressed before noon.
4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7. I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8. I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
Coffee Thermos
; 6:56 PM :D
She says, "I think it's a seven-cup thermos."
He says, "All right...give me two black, three cream and sugar."
Wrong Number
; 6:56 PM :D
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
Honeymoon
; 6:55 PM :D
Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!”
The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn’t on a honeymoon, nor would there be any “we” in the first place.”
Triva
; 6:47 PM :D
It has been estimated that at least a million meteors have hit the Earth's land surface, which is only 25 percent of the planet. Every last trace of more than 99 percent of the craters thus formed has vanished, erased by wind, water, and living things
Would a bucket or sun weigh more than a bucket of earth?
A bucket filled with earth would weigh about 5 times more than the same bucket filled with the substance of the Sun. However, the force of gravity is so much greater on the Sun that a man weighing 150 pounds on our planet would weigh 2 tons on the Sun.
How long will the sun burn?
The sun burns 9 million tons of gas a second. At this rate, it has been estimated it will burn out in another 10 billion years.
Quotes
; 6:43 PM :D
A good traveller is one who does not know where he is going to, and a perfect traveller does not know where he came from.
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All women's dresses are merely variations on the eternal struggle between admitted desire to dress and the unadmitted desire to undress.
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Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.
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Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence.
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If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live.
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No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow.
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Our lives are not in the lap of the gods, but in the lap of our cooks.
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Society can exist only on the basis that there is some amount of polished lying and that no one says exactly what he thinks.
An Airliner
; 6:40 PM :D
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
Things You Don't Want To Hear From Technical Support
; 6:40 PM :D
* "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
* "So -- what are you wearing?"
* "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
* "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
* "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
* "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."
* "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
* "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
* "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
* "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
Movie Theater
; 6:40 PM :D
"You certainly did!!", said the woman in the aisle seat.
"Good, then I'm in the right row!" the man said as he went back to his seat.
Higher Education
; 6:39 PM :D
Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.
"Well", says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages."
"Really!" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language."
The dog says, "Meow ! "
The Bachelor's Cat
; 6:39 PM :D
A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."
Jeweled Portrait
; 6:39 PM :D
Her explanation - "If I die and my husband re-marries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels."
Kids Physics
; 6:38 PM :D
* Q: What is one horsepower? A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
* You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
* When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
* When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
* Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
* A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
* Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil.
* Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
* We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
* I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
* Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
* Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.
* It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.
Neutron in a Bar
; 6:38 PM :D
The bartender looks at him, and say "For you, no charge."
$50 a Second $50 a Second
Wednesday, October 8, 2008; 11:14 PM :D
Dave, a poker buddy of her husband’s was there. He looked at her in her towel for a minute and whispered “I’ll give you $500 right now if you take of your towel for just 10 seconds! That’s $50 a second!”
She thought about it a second, and then took off her towel. He smiled, gave her the money and walked away.
When she walked back into the bedroom, her husband asked “Was that Dave? Did he bring the $500 he owed me?”
Blind Pilot
; 11:14 PM :D
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin–but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die. . .”
Recent Quips from Late Night
; 11:07 PM :D
"President Bush spoke about the Wall Street bailout yesterday, and he said, this is the quote, 'if the money isn't loosened up, this sucker could go down.' So folks, if we know nothing else at this point, at least we know that President Bush is writing his own speeches." --Conan O'Brien
"The nation's largest savings and loan, Washington Mutual, has become the biggest bank failure in history. See, the problem with the savings and loans? Not enough savings, too many stupid loans, okay In fact, they changed their name from WaMu to 'screw you.'" --Jay Leno
"The presidential debates had an unusual format. After blowing a question on Bosnia, John McCain was told to extinguish his torch and leave the island." --David Letterman
"Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said that the proposed bailout plan will cost taxpayers $700 billion. To give you an idea how much money that is, I can't give you an idea of how much money that is." --Seth Meyers
"A farmer in Ohio has carved a corn maze in his field in the likeness of Sarah Palin. The way it works? You you enter and suddenly realize you're way over your head." --Amy Poehler
"McCain suspended his campaign, said the debate had to be canceled, he went to Washington, screwed up the deal, and then un-suspended his campaign and flew to the debate even though there wasn't a deal. Usually when a 72-year-old man acts this way, this is when the kids start calling nursing homes." --Bill Maher
"John McCain said he wouldn't attend tonight's presidential debate unless Congress reached a bailout deal. Then McCain reversed his position and decided to take part anyway. That's what happened. McCain says he may drop out again, depending on what the first question is. He's going to play it by ear." --Conan O'Brien
"But the good news, the crime rate is down. Isn't that amazing? Less banks are being robbed. Well, sure. A, there's less banks. B, the banks don't have any money left. And C, nobody's got gas money for the getaway car. So, right there, crime is down!" --Jay Leno
Serving Food
; 11:05 PM :D
The bartender looks at him shaking his head and say “No, we don’t serve food here”
Change in Finances
; 11:05 PM :D
“Well what was he before he married you?” the friend asked.
“A billionaire.”
Wrong Bear
; 11:04 PM :D
A week later, he gets a letter in the mail, telling him that he is being taken to court by the park service. Arriving at court, he explains to the judge what happened, and the judge comes to a decision.
“As you didn’t kill this protected species intentionally, I don’t intend to send you to prison”, the judge says. “However, it is still a serious error on your part, and I intend to deal with you by way of a fine, based upon the body weight of the animal”.
“For every one pound of body weight, you will be fined $10”. Consulting his records, the judge finds the weight of the bear, as recorded by the park services, and calls for a calculator. After a minute of two, he calls the hunter to the bench, and gives his judgement; a fine of $9,000.
The representative of the park services jumps to his feet, and approaches the judge. “Your Honour”, he says, “With the greatest respect, I believe you’ve made a mistake in your calculations”.
“We weighed the animal shortly after it was shot, and it weighed a total of 1000 pounds”. “Surely, based on that measurement, the fine should be $10,000”.
The judge looks at the ranger, and says, “I made a calculation, taking into consideration, the animals’ weight, minus its two front paws”. Looking rather confused, the ranger asks, “but why did you not include the front paws in your calculation?”
“Because”, the judge replies, “Every American has the right to bear arms!”
Before it Starts
; 11:03 PM :D
She gives him his beer.
About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'
She does.
A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer.
The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.'
The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.'
Post Turtle
; 10:49 PM :D
The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, that candidate is a 'Post Turtle'".
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'".
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know they didn't get up there by themselves, they don't belong up there, and they don't know what to do while they're up there, and you just wonder what kind of dummy put them up there to begin with".
Crime Prevention
; 10:49 PM :D
They were dirty crooks!
CD Player
; 10:48 PM :D
One designation had me puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?" "That means", he said, "that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into music."
"In other words this CD player plays CDs."
"Exactly."
Old Lawyer Friends
; 10:48 PM :D
The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.” The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”
Black Magic
Friday, October 3, 2008; 4:59 PM :D
A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said. . .
"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"