Apply Locally
Friday, March 13, 2009; 7:41 PM :D
Customer gets a topical cream. Direction: apply locally two times a day.
Customer says to the pharmacist: "I can't apply locally, I'm going overseas."
Take Every Four Hours
; 7:40 PM :D
A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient. "Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours," the pharmacist says.
"Don't worry," replies the patient. "It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off".
Metaphysics
; 7:39 PM :D
If metaphysics is being qua being;
and if epistomology is knowing qua knowing;
then metaphilosophy must be... qua qua qua.
Magic Lamp
; 7:38 PM :D
A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."
The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."
The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes"
Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."
White Zebra
; 7:38 PM :D
A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in africa. They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle : A white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebra's! We'll be famous!"
The statistician: "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra."
The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side."
The computer scientist: "Oh, no! A special case!"
Debate
; 7:37 PM :D
A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The biologists: "They have reproduced".
The mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."
Piano Tuner
; 7:37 PM :D
The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch. "Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."
The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."
The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbors did."
Viola Player
; 7:36 PM :D
A viola player was returning from a gig, and, feeling tired, decided to stop at a roadside cafe for a rest and a cup of coffee. Halfway through the cup he remembered he'd left his viola on the passenger's seat of the car.
He rushed outside... but it was too late... someone had broken the window and put two more violas on the rear seat!
Companies After Me
; 7:33 PM :D
"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."
Lawyerese
; 7:31 PM :D
When the man in the street says: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," the lawyer writes: "Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."
Do Things
; 7:30 PM :D
"I sit here all day trying to persuade people to do the things they ought to have sense enough to do without my persuading them." -- Harry S. Truman
Engine Trouble
; 7:19 PM :D
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
#707 / No Girlfriend
Sunday, March 8, 2009; 3:01 AM :D
Homeless!
#706 / First Takeoff
; 3:01 AM :D
#705 / Theory, Experiment
; 3:01 AM :D
#704 / Five Senses
; 3:00 AM :D
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.
#703 / Flight Deck Complement
; 1:59 AM :D
A Captain, a Co-pilot and a dog. The dog is there to bite the captain if he tries to touch the controls, and the co-pilot is there to feed the dog.
#702 / Philosophy vs. Mathematics vs. Theology
; 1:59 AM :D
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
Theology is a game whose object is to bring rules into the subjective
#701 / I Differentiate You!
; 1:58 AM :D
One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and said "I differentiate you!", but for once, his victim's expression didn't change. Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies, stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly "I differentiate you!", but still the other man had no reaction.
Finally, in frustration, the mathematician screamed out "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"
The new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can differentiate me all you like: I'm e to the x."
#700 / Committee Defined
; 1:58 AM :D
Fishing
Thursday, March 5, 2009; 12:49 AM :D
Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah's ark. On the way home, Willy asked, "Do you think Noah did much fishing?"
"How could he?" said Billy. "He only had two worms".
Political Promise
; 12:49 AM :D
Did you hear about the politician who promised that, if he was elected, he'd make certain that everybody would get an above average income?
Analyst and Broker at the Races
; 12:49 AM :D
A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst.
"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!"
"What is your secret?" the analyst asked.
"It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."
"But, three and five is eight," the analyst protested.
"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"
Taxes Defined
; 12:49 AM :D
A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing something right.
Marry an Accountant
; 12:47 AM :D
A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."
The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."
"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.
"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
Clumsy Ad Copy
; 12:47 AM :D
- No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Actuary vs. Mafia
; 12:46 AM :D
What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary?
An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year, a mafia actuary can name them.
The Lion's Mouth
; 12:46 AM :D
A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian.
"Look in the lion's mouth," the vet told him.
"How do I do that?" he asked.
"Carefully," replied the vet.