Jokes

780th Post

2009-06-05T19:19:00.000-07:00

Beer Producers

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."

Chuck Norris is One Bad Dude

- Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

- Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

- In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

- It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

- When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Six-Pack

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff, "She gave it to me!"

"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'Are you Steve's widow?''Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said, "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

Stupid Cops

One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Chevy Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect vehicle crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Hey Sarge, why the heck did you stop? We almost had that guy and his girlfriend."

The Sarge replied, "You stupid rookie! That Camaro is in Georgia now. They are an hour ahead of us, so we'll never be able to catch 'em."

729th Post

2009-06-05T19:15:00.000-07:00

Side Effects

Lady says to pharmacist: "Why does my prescription medication have 40 side effects?"

Pharmacist replies: "Cause that's all we've documented so far."

Rock Journalism

"Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk in order to provide articles for people who can't read." -- Frank Zappa

Being Truthful

The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

"I do."

"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"

"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

728th Post

2009-06-05T19:13:00.000-07:00

No Work

"I'm never going to work for that man again"

"Why, what did he say?"

"You're fired"

Worry

"I'd give a thousand dollars to the man who would worry for me!"

"You're on. Now, where is those thousand dollars?"

"That is your first worry!"

Good Lawyer vs. Bad Lawyer

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Lawyer's Son

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"

His father responded: "You idiot, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!"

727th Post

2009-06-05T18:40:00.000-07:00

Swallowing a Coin

The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and so his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and so he coughed the coin out.

"I don't know how to thank you, doc...", his mother started.

"I'm not a doctor", the man replied, "I'm from the IRS".

Tax Loophole

How do you know you've met a good tax accountant?

He has a loophole named after him.

Losing Money

A stockbroker says to his colleague, "I don't think this line of work is for you. You just keep losing money all the time."

"You're right," he replied. "My whole life all I've done is lose money".

Next day he comes to work and resigns.

His coworker asks, "What are you going to do for living?"

"I finally figured out how I can make some money from losing money all the time."

"How?"

"I am going to build a web page and take it public."

Moving Again

"Why are you moving? You have arrived to this lovely neighborhood just a few weeks ago."

"Yes, but I read in the local paper a bit of statistics that said, 'most auto accidents happen within eight miles of your home'."

4 jokes

2009-04-17T03:51:00.000-07:00

Two Hearts

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "You're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker".

The man quickly responds, "The attorney's."

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

Violin Shop

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy."

The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world."

Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."

Psychologist Skiing

A psychologist returned from a confrence in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permited to ski for free. Her husband asked her, "How it went?". She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips."

Madhouse

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

4 jokes.

2009-04-17T03:40:00.000-07:00

Insulting

A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, "It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"

Psychologist vs. Magician

What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician?

A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!

Language Name

"The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language." -- D. E. Knuth, 1967

Object Oriented

"Have you heard about the object-oriennted way to become wealthy?"

"No..."

"Inheritance."

Joke by buzzz

2009-04-17T03:37:00.002-07:00

qn: wat mouse walk on two legs?
ans : mickey mouse
qn: wat duck walk on two legs?
ans: all duck walk on two leg. (most ppl ans is donlad duck )

qn: wat go up but never come down
ans: age

add a line to make this statement true 5+5+5=550
ans : 545+5=550 (add a line at the + sign to make it a 4)

qn: what is as big as an elephant but weight nth??
ans : elephant's shadow

Jokes by chocoidot

2009-04-17T03:37:00.001-07:00

Qn:Long time ago , a village had this river , filled with fierce crocodiles . Who ever tried to cross it , would get bitten to death . One day , a 10year old boy crossed th river and nothing happened to him . Why ? :D

Ans:All th cros had went for th animal meeting ! :D

Joke by pred!a-tor

2009-04-17T03:34:00.000-07:00

This girl's name is Petal. One day, she decided to ask her mother why she was called Petal.

Petal: Mummy, why is my name Petal?
Mom: Because, sweety, when you were born, a petal fell on your head.

Then suddenly, Petal's brother barged in.

Bro: Mum, mum...
Mom: Shut up, Refrigerator!

Jokes by {paperheart

2009-04-12T02:52:00.001-07:00

tHe SlIeNcE TrEaTmEnT::
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

Jokes Part 1
Ever wonders? What if you need to be knowledgeable to enter Heaven?Check this out! Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered."That's right! You may enter."St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."Ok..enough of the Heaven.. Let start about Hell..Who say Satan is bad? At least he welcome every member by giving them a choice.Or not?This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room".Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"

Jokes Part 2
Each man gives a story

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story."It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story."Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

Ok.. This is another flight that cannot be taken like that AIR INDIA

here..take a look..hahas

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking.

On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"

There have been many cases of Child custody nowadays..But most of the times the winner are the woman right?

Here a tips for the Guys to win the cases..

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"....He Won....

Jokes by sweetpurity

2009-04-12T02:49:00.000-07:00

There are 3 people in this story. Trouble, Manner and Shut Up.

One day, Trouble went missing. Manner and Shut Up were worried so they went to the police station. Manner was urgent and went to the toilet. So, Shut Up went to make the report.

Shut up: Err, I'm looking for Trouble.
Police: HUH?! You looking for trouble ah? What is your name?!
Shut up: Oh, Shut Up.
Police: Walao! Where is your manner?
Shut up: Manner in the toilet lah!

OMG THIS IS FREAKING FUNNY I TELL YOU.
______________________________________________

John and Kim were room-mates. One day, Kim didn't feel good.

John: Wake up Kim! You're late for school!
Kim: Tell teacher I won't go to school.. I don't feel well and I didn't do my homework. You should be concern of that.
John: Why must I be?
Kim: Because I'm your bestie, remember?
John: Fine..

At class, Mr. Sim was teaching and John shivered.

Mr. Sim: Is there anything wrong, John?
John: Errr... nothing nothing..
Mr. Sim: Can I see you after class?
John: Sure.

After class,

Mr. Sim: Why did you shivered?
John: Because I'm worried of something..
Mr. Sim: Why?
John: Kim's homework.. He didn't do it and he blamed it on me..
_____________________________________________

Joshua: I got very high for my mother tounge!
Gua Shi: How much you get? I get 55/70.
Joshua: What marks? I said about my mother's tounge.. She is growing and now she is tall and got the tounge is very high...
Gua Shi: Okay, you should call that Toungess because it's very disgusting.

Guava: I am bigger than you, so much bigger than you.
Watermelon: No, I'm so much bigger than you.
Guava: No, I'm bigger than you because I'm pink and I'm a pig that is obviously bigger than you.

John was suspended from school. He scolded a bad word to his dad. That day, Mrs. Leo was sending him to his father. John was very happy to see his father for a whole long day. His dad's name is Jiao Li Kang. But John calls him Jiao.

John: Papa Jiao!
Mrs. Leo: John! Did you just scolded a bad word?
John: No, I called out my dad's name. I call him Papa. Or Pa. So it is 'Pa Jiao.'
______________________________________________

Apply Locally

2009-03-13T19:41:00.001-07:00

Apply Locally

Customer gets a topical cream. Direction: apply locally two times a day.

Customer says to the pharmacist: "I can't apply locally, I'm going overseas."

Take Every Four Hours

2009-03-13T19:40:00.001-07:00

Take Every Four Hours

A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient. "Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours," the pharmacist says.

"Don't worry," replies the patient. "It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off".

Metaphysics

2009-03-13T19:39:00.001-07:00

Metaphysics

If metaphysics is being qua being;
and if epistomology is knowing qua knowing;
then metaphilosophy must be... qua qua qua.

Magic Lamp

2009-03-13T19:38:00.002-07:00

Magic Lamp

A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."

The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."

The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."

The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes"

Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."

White Zebra

2009-03-13T19:38:00.001-07:00

White Zebra

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in africa. They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.

The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle : A white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebra's! We'll be famous!"

The statistician: "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra."

The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side."

The computer scientist: "Oh, no! A special case!"

Debate

2009-03-13T19:37:00.003-07:00

Debate

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The biologists: "They have reproduced".

The mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."

Piano Tuner

2009-03-13T19:37:00.001-07:00

Piano Tuner

The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch. "Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."

The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."

The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbors did."

Viola Player

2009-03-13T19:36:00.001-07:00

Viola Player

A viola player was returning from a gig, and, feeling tired, decided to stop at a roadside cafe for a rest and a cup of coffee. Halfway through the cup he remembered he'd left his viola on the passenger's seat of the car.

He rushed outside... but it was too late... someone had broken the window and put two more violas on the rear seat!

Companies After Me

2009-03-13T19:33:00.001-07:00

Companies After Me

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

Lawyerese

2009-03-13T19:31:00.000-07:00

Lawyerese

When the man in the street says: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," the lawyer writes: "Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."

Do Things

2009-03-13T19:30:00.000-07:00

Do Things

"I sit here all day trying to persuade people to do the things they ought to have sense enough to do without my persuading them." -- Harry S. Truman

Engine Trouble

2009-03-13T19:19:00.000-07:00

Engine Trouble

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

#707 / No Girlfriend

2009-03-08T03:01:00.005-07:00

What do you call a musician who doesn't have a girl friend?

Homeless!

#706 / First Takeoff

2009-03-08T03:01:00.003-07:00

After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, reassuring voice of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your automatic pilot. In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, ..."

#705 / Theory, Experiment

2009-03-08T03:01:00.001-07:00

"A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it. An experiment is something everybody believes, except the person who made it." -- Albert Einstein

#704 / Five Senses

2009-03-08T03:00:00.001-07:00

Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

#703 / Flight Deck Complement

2009-03-08T01:59:00.003-08:00

What is ideal Flight Deck complement for a modern airliner?

A Captain, a Co-pilot and a dog. The dog is there to bite the captain if he tries to touch the controls, and the co-pilot is there to feed the dog.

#702 / Philosophy vs. Mathematics vs. Theology

2009-03-08T01:59:00.001-08:00

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.

Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

Theology is a game whose object is to bring rules into the subjective

#701 / I Differentiate You!

2009-03-08T01:58:00.002-08:00

A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring at them and saying "I differentiate you!"

One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and said "I differentiate you!", but for once, his victim's expression didn't change. Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies, stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly "I differentiate you!", but still the other man had no reaction.

Finally, in frustration, the mathematician screamed out "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"

The new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can differentiate me all you like: I'm e to the x."

#700 / Committee Defined

2009-03-08T01:58:00.001-08:00

Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. -- Fred Allen

Fishing

2009-03-05T00:49:00.006-08:00

Fishing

Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah's ark. On the way home, Willy asked, "Do you think Noah did much fishing?"

"How could he?" said Billy. "He only had two worms".

Political Promise

2009-03-05T00:49:00.005-08:00

Political Promise

Did you hear about the politician who promised that, if he was elected, he'd make certain that everybody would get an above average income?

Analyst and Broker at the Races

2009-03-05T00:49:00.003-08:00

Analyst and Broker at the Races

A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst.

"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!"

"What is your secret?" the analyst asked.

"It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."

"But, three and five is eight," the analyst protested.

"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"

Taxes Defined

2009-03-05T00:49:00.001-08:00

Taxes Defined

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.

A tax is a fine for doing something right.

Marry an Accountant

2009-03-05T00:47:00.003-08:00

Marry an Accountant

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

Clumsy Ad Copy

2009-03-05T00:47:00.001-08:00

Clumsy Ad Copy

- No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Actuary vs. Mafia

2009-03-05T00:46:00.003-08:00

Actuary vs. Mafia

What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary?

An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year, a mafia actuary can name them.

The Lion's Mouth

2009-03-05T00:46:00.001-08:00

The Lion's Mouth

A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian.

"Look in the lion's mouth," the vet told him.

"How do I do that?" he asked.

"Carefully," replied the vet.

Physics Student

2009-02-28T16:37:00.001-08:00

Physics Student

A physics student was hit by a brick falling from a house. He fainted, but came to after a while and started smiling. The onlookers were worried, so they asked him why the smile. "I just realized how lucky I am because the kinetic energy is only half m v squared."

Flight Deck Complement

2009-02-28T16:36:00.005-08:00

Flight Deck Complement

What is ideal Flight Deck complement for a modern airliner?

A Captain, a Co-pilot and a dog. The dog is there to bite the captain if he tries to touch the controls, and the co-pilot is there to feed the dog.

Psychiatrist vs. Psychologist

2009-02-28T16:36:00.003-08:00

Psychiatrist vs. Psychologist

What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?

If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."

Drunk Driving

2009-02-28T16:36:00.001-08:00

Drunk Driving

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.

"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.

The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

Police and Doughnuts

2009-02-28T16:35:00.006-08:00

Police and Doughnuts

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Social Workers

2009-02-28T16:35:00.005-08:00

Social Workers

A social worker asks a collegue: "What time is it?"

The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."

The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."

Work Load

2009-02-28T16:35:00.003-08:00

Work Load

Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.

Office Manager: That's great, I'll take two of them.

New Poem

2009-02-28T16:35:00.001-08:00

"Have you written this poem by yourself?"

"Of course," said the young poet, "Every word of it."

"Well, I am very glad to meet you, Mr. Edgar Allan Poe, I was afraid you are dead for long time."

Unfair Payment

2009-02-28T16:34:00.003-08:00

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz and, after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honour," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honour," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

New Drug

2009-02-28T16:34:00.001-08:00

A new drug for Yuppies: It doesn't give a false sense of security or relaxation -- it makes you enjoy being tense.

Christmas and Hallowen

2009-02-28T16:33:00.006-08:00

Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?

Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

Farmer in the Big City

2009-02-28T16:33:00.005-08:00

A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.

"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.

"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"

Chief vs. Newbie

2009-02-28T16:33:00.003-08:00

If the Chief and a Newbie both jumped out of a burning building at the same time, which one would hit the net first?

The Chief, because the Newbie would have to stop and ask for directions.

Farmer in the Big City

2009-02-28T16:33:00.001-08:00

Insurance Agents and Light Bulbs

2009-02-28T16:32:00.006-08:00

How many insurance agents does it take to change a light bulb?

That depends on whether the light bulb burned alone or with the whole house.

2009-02-28T16:32:00.005-08:00

A farm boy was drafted. On his first furlough, his Father asked him what he thought of Army life.

"It's pretty good Pa. The food's not bad, the work's easy but best of all, they let ya sleep real late in the morning."

Qualities of Leadership

2009-02-28T16:32:00.003-08:00

Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

You might be an Accountant if...

2009-02-28T16:32:00.001-08:00

- you refer to your child as Deduction 214.

- you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses".

- you have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store.

- at the movie "Indecent Proposal" you did a NPV calculation.

- getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long.

- your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

- you are doing it now because you checked the file and found that you did it last year.

- you decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "======".

Actuary vs. Accountant

2009-02-28T16:31:00.003-08:00

What's the difference between an actuary and an accountant?

An actuary does much the same thing as an accountant but lacks the accountant's bright and vivacious personality.

Translation and Advertising

2009-02-28T16:31:00.001-08:00

- Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

- The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

- An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

- Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

- Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

- The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

- When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant"

Mistake

2009-02-24T00:21:00.001-08:00

A worker who was being paid by the week approached his employer and held up his last paycheck. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the employer said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

"Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

Three Questions

2009-02-24T00:19:00.002-08:00

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.

"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.

"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"

"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"

"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

Three Envelopes

2009-02-24T00:19:00.001-08:00

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

Are you qualified to this job?

2009-02-24T00:18:00.003-08:00

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Modern Art

2009-02-24T00:18:00.001-08:00

How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel.

Tough Job

2009-02-24T00:01:00.000-08:00

Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

Perestroika

2009-02-23T23:58:00.000-08:00

A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. "That will be one ruble," says the bartender.

"One ruble!" the customer protests, "last week it was only fifty kopeks!"

"Well," replies the bartender, "it's fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopecs for the perestroika."

Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopecs and says, "We are out of beer."

Biologist Twins

2009-02-23T23:57:00.005-08:00

Biologist Twins

A couple of biologist had twins, one they called John and the other - control.

2009-02-23T23:57:00.003-08:00

A Chemical is a Substance that:

- An organic chemist turns into a foul odor.

- An analytical chemist turns into a procedure.

- A physical chemist turns into a straight line.

- A biochemist turns into a helix.

- A chemical engineer turns into a profit.

Chicken Advice

2009-02-23T23:57:00.001-08:00

The chickens in a large hen house started to quarrel, wounded each other and many of them died every day. The upset farmer hurried to a consultant, and asked for a solution to his problem.

"Add baking-powder to the chickens' food," said the consultant, "it will calm them down."

After a week the farmer came back to the consultant and said: "My chickens continue to die. What shall I do?"

"Add strawberry juice to their drinking water, that will help for sure".

A week passed, and again the farmer came to the consultant: "My chickens are still quarrelling. Do you have some more advice?"

"I can give you more and more advice," answered the consultant. "The real question is whether you have more chickens."

Yellow Teeth

2009-02-23T23:56:00.000-08:00

Patient: "Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?"

Dentist: "Wear a brown tie..."

America's Unique

2009-02-18T00:44:00.003-08:00

- Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

- Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

- Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

- Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

- Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

A 21st Century Marriage

2009-02-18T00:44:00.001-08:00

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

How to Be Annoying

2009-02-18T00:42:00.005-08:00

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

* Drum on every available surface.

* Sing the Batman theme constantly.

* Staple papers in the middle of the page.

* Ask 1-800 operators for their home phone number. If they don’t give it to you ask why they are calling YOU at home.

* Sew department store anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

* Set alarms for random times.

* Honk and wave to strangers.

* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

* Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

Kangaroo Play

2009-02-18T00:42:00.003-08:00

Kangaroo Play

Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, "Gee, I hope it doesn't rain today, I hate it when the children play inside."

Brave Firefighters

2009-02-18T00:42:00.001-08:00

One night , in a sleepy town a huge chemical plant exploded into flames. The alarm went off and departments from miles around raced to the scene. After fighting the fire for over an hour the chemical company president approached the fire chief, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

At that,the firemen attacked with a renewed gusto. Two hours later they still had not gained any ground. At that, the company president offered $100,000 to the engine company that brought out the company's secret files.

In the distance, the wail of yet another siren was heard and soon another fire truck came into sight. The fire chief shook his head, aware it was that little rinky-dink volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. Much to his amazement, though, the fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove right into the middle of the inferno. He could see the old timers hopping off their rig , fighting the fire with an effort that he had never before witnessed.

Less than an hour later, the fire was out and the secret formulas were saved by this group of volunteers! The chemical company president was so ecstatic he doubled the reward to $200,000! After thanking the volunteers , the chemical company president couldn't help but ask what they planned to do with the reward money.

The engineer (driver) looked him tight in the eye, ready with his answer. "First thing we 'll do is fix the stupid brakes on that truck!"

Bad News

2009-02-18T00:41:00.006-08:00

Bad News

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

Real Users

2009-02-18T00:41:00.005-08:00

Real Users

- Real users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days.

- Real users never know what they want, but they always know when your program doesn't deliver it.

- Real users never use the Help key.

- Real users never stop asking new options.

- Real users never know what to do with new options.

Nauseous Commuter

2009-02-18T00:41:00.003-08:00

Nauseous Commuter

Robin came home from her first day commuting into the city. Noticing that Robin was looking a little peaked, she asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," Robin replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."

"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," Robin replied, "there was no one there."

Responsible

2009-02-18T00:41:00.001-08:00

Responsible

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Three Wishes

2009-02-18T00:40:00.005-08:00

Three Wishes

Three men, an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."

Hiccups Cure

2009-02-18T00:40:00.003-08:00

Hiccups Cure

A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

Waiting for the Bus

2009-02-18T00:40:00.001-08:00

Waiting for the Bus

A person was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. Unable to locate the Capitol building, the person asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the person is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The person replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

Caught Stealing

2009-02-18T00:17:00.002-08:00

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

Calming Albert

2009-02-18T00:17:00.001-08:00

Calming Albert

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."

A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."

The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert!"

The Less You Know, The More You Make

2009-02-18T00:16:00.000-08:00

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.

Buy a Mac

2009-02-18T00:11:00.000-08:00

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

Hunting Flies

2009-02-13T23:02:00.003-08:00

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Judge's Announcement

2009-02-13T23:02:00.001-08:00

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make.

"The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way.

"In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."

Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much

2009-02-13T23:01:00.005-08:00

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.

6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"

4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

1. You're sweatin' gravy.

The Verge

2009-02-13T23:01:00.003-08:00

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?"

Another child said, "The Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The little one said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."

For The Kids...

2009-02-13T23:01:00.001-08:00

What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!

What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!

I'm learning ancient history?
So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!

Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
Pupil: Dead?, I didn't even know he was sick!

Marriage and Men

2009-02-13T23:00:00.004-08:00

- When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.

- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home

- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face

- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.

- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.

- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.

- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.

- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.

- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.

- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.

and lastly............

- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from gettting a better husband that the one she married!

Moth Man

2009-02-13T23:00:00.003-08:00

A guy walks into a dentist's office and flops right down on the couch.

"Doc", he says, "Here's the problem. I think I'm a moth"

"Well", says the doctor, "That certainly is a problem, but why did you come into a dentist's office?"

"The light was on."

Housework Challenged

2009-02-13T23:00:00.001-08:00

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Auburn."

Corporate filly

2009-02-13T22:59:00.004-08:00

The Dakota Indians of North America passed on this piece of wisdom from generation by word of mouth - "If you are riding a dead horse the best thing to do is dismount". However in the corporate world because of the heavy investment factor other things to be tried, (but not limited to) are the following

* buy a stronger whip
* change riders
* threaten the horse with termination
* appoint a committee to study the horse
* arrange to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses
* lower the standards so dead horses can be included
* appoint an intervention team to reanimate the horse
* create a training session to increase the riders load share
* reclassify the horse as 'living impaired'
* change the form so it reads "This horse is not dead"
* hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse
* harness several dead horses together for increased speed and efficiency
* donate the dead horse to a recognised charity therefore deducting its full original cost
* provide additional funding to increase horse's performance
* do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity
* purchase an after market product that makes dead horses run faster
* declare the dead horse has lower overheads and is therefore more cost effective
* form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses
* rewrite the performance requirements for horses
* and finally if all else fails.....promote the dead horse into a supervisory (management) position

Work Wisdom

2009-02-13T22:59:00.003-08:00

- Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

- The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Slow Down

2009-02-13T22:59:00.001-08:00

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built-up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!" So the next day, he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said, SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that said, SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

But that sped them up even more! So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.

Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "Hows the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. Ive got to go. Im very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "Id better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Johns house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY-Go slow and watch out for the chicks

Golfer vs. Skydiver

2009-02-13T22:58:00.000-08:00

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes, "Whack, oops!"

A bad skydiver goes "Oops, whack!"

Caught Stealing

2009-02-10T01:15:00.002-08:00

Caught Stealing

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

Calming Albert

2009-02-10T01:15:00.001-08:00